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Smashed In Switzerland – BrainZ plays Bern November 2011

Little mix for y’all.

Last year I was kindly invited to visit the lovely sandstone-laden city of Bern in Switzerland by the good people at Lüdi and Zahnd. They were having a little shindig to celebrate 10 years in business and my now pal Andy Zahnd wanted me to play for him. Not scoffing at a free trip and the chance to throw down anywhere in the world I jumped straight on it.

A couple of free mystery punches and some Jack Daniels later and I’m out of my box.

Below is some of that set for your listening pleasure. Remember: I’m smashed, so try not to judge!

Safe

BrainZ

Download: Mr.Brainz.in.Switzerland.-.26-11-11.[Web].mp3

Track List

Double ’99 – Rip Groove
Azzido Da Bass – Doom’s Night
Robin S – Show Me Love (Steve Angello & Laidback Luke Bootleg)
Kim English – Night Life (Armand Van Heldon Remix)
Hard Drive – Deep Inside
CJ Bolland – Sugar Is Sweeter (Armand Van Heldon Remix)
Nu Birth – Anytime (Tuff Jam Kick Dub)
Jaheim – Just In Case (Dubaholics Rollers Revival Mix)
Future Underground Nation – It’s The Way
Ed Case – Something In Your Eyes (K-Warren Remix)
Brandy vs Monica – Boy Is Mine (Architects Remix)
Colours – Hold On (SE22 Mix)
Mark ‘Artful’ Hill vs Ed Sheeran – Could Just be The Bassline
Late Night Alumni – It’s Not Happening
Sentinels – Love Rhythm
Sub Focus – Could Be Real
Yasmin ft Shy FX & Ms Dynamite – Light Up (The World) [MJ Cole Remix]
The Cuban Brothers – The Finding (Doorly Garage Rub)
Wretch 32 – Traktor (Mike Delinquent Project Remix)
DJ Zinc – 138 Trek
House of Pain – Jump Around (Mickey Slim Remix)
Shab Ruffcut – Tropical
Nero – Crush On You

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BrainZ, UK Garage and Podcasts – 2011 in review

I read the UK Garage numbers an' shit
First off, maximum respect goes out to anyone that has downloaded music put out by me in one form or another. 2011 was a year that really resonated with me in terms of the garage scene, its music and its many facets. Here, I’m going to look back at the year past, look forward to 2012 & beyond, give you a breakdown of the numbers and tell you what the most popular shows were.
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SEO Suicide for comedy value is just not worth it, judging by inbound search terms

Rainbow Horse Chicken?UK Garage 2011, Garage Music 2011, brainfartz and DJ Brainz are my top hitting keywords for this blog. Now the garage ones are great. This is exactly the audience I want. People directly searching for me too: thank you. Makes me almost feel like a real DJ.

Unfortunately, due to a decision when I launched, I didn’t really concentrate properly on SEO (Search Engine Optimisation for those that don’t know). This is apparent from my main home title tag – Brainfartz – Not a new type of porn, along with the hordes of traffic I’m getting for some dead dirty stuff. I thought it would be great to share some of those keywords with you.

Based on the above title tag, I’m surprised I get any traffic at all. That said, I’m told by some of my UKG colleagues that when they Google the titles of most new garage tunes, my blog/podcast seems to come up. DJs – This is a clear demonstration of the Importance of mix track lists!

As this site and my podcast rapidly approaches its first birthday, I thought I’d take some time to highlight some of the traffic I’ve been receiving, and try to decipher what they were exactly looking for when they arrived here. I’ll warn you: I was a little scared to learn exactly what is going through some people’s minds, and imagine a large part of my “audience” to this site visit with their trousers around their ankles.

This post was to be the turning point for me committing SEO suicide by referencing porn in my main title and is to be followed up on a title re-jig. The irony is that this post will undoubtedly make things worse.

Onto the keywords. Here, I show you a list of some of the keywords and phrases people have typed into search engines and have arrived at my site. I then hypothesise on what sort of person might have been searching these keywords and on what kind of content they may have expected to find.

The words are ever so slightly NSFW, but there’s no jack-in-the-box pictures of penises flying at the screen. Read on if you dare…

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Mac OS X Lion 10.7 – The Lion roars before you’re raped and then eaten

I write this as I wait blankly-eyed as the latest version of OS X seeps into my work system like a relentless STD spread from the phallus that is the Mac App Store. This post in the beginning is being crafted slowly on the virtual Swype keyboard of my Samsung Android phone.

OS X Lion 10.7 Installing

OS X Lion 10.7 worries me. And here’s the random brain ejaculation on the subject.

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2011 UK Garage mixed up on an iPad using DJay [VIDEO]

Algoriddim DJayA friend of mine told me a while ago about Algoriddim‘s iPad App DJay. So I thought I’d take it for a run, UKG style.

Full track list, review, the videos and mix download allll after the jump

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The death of the music industry? The rambling of a man that knows little but talks a lot

The RIAA and the BPI are always throwing their toys out of the pram

The Twittersphere is always abuzz with chatter on any subject you can think of, from knitting and crochet right through to amputee/goat porn.

The inter-connected planet will live on right now allows us to keep up to date with people’s lives minute-by-minute. And, to me, this is a great era to live in.

In my little lightning-fast inter-connected world, I came across a retweet via my UKG pals Control-S talking about the “REAL” death of the music industry.

There’s an opinion among lots of artists that they are missing out on sales due to people stealing their music. Something you hear a lot of grime MCs (coincidentally or not).

The retweet was an article from Business Insider discussing the Record Industry Association of America’s (RIAA) revenue and how sales are down.

I didn’t expect it to provoke such a reaction, but I’ve just shat my brains into this post. Read on if you dare.

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Bumpy UKG delayed due to IRL CoD

Twitchy MitchEasy now brain farters,

This is a quick heads up to let you know that this week’s episode of Bumpy UK Garage with DJ Brainz has been delayed very slightly.

I have a mental friend (pictured) who thought it would be a clever idea to go running around in a forest in Hertfordshire with BB guns, shooting at each other.

His usual commandment-breaking proclamations of being the “CoD God” had gone to his head so much that he thought we could do it for real.

As apprehensive as I was, I did actually have a good time, apart from spectacularly shooting some young chick on my team at close range whilst climbing a hill and accidentally pulling the trigger.

Anyway, I’ve dragged another episode out of the archives for you this week so look out for that one in your feed soon.

Safe.

B

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Robot Unicorn Attack Facebook hack – this is why I hate you

Rainbow horse cockHonestly, you do one good deed and all you get is “it’s not what I wanted”. Fuck off then. I don’t care.

I’m actually dramatising quite a bit. One or two people moaned that a hack I did for online gayfest Robot Unicorn Attack didn’t work on the Facebook Version.

I couldn’t get it work on the Facebook version in a straightforward way so I wasn’t planning to do anything. I was sick of getting the comment notification emails with the likes of “Honestly, what the point if it doesn’t work on Facebook?” from mugs who only started playing the game yesterday.

So I bowed to my own induced peer pressure and put out a hack that works if you use Firebug.

Watching it back I sound like Zach Galifianakis. This wasn’t the intention at the start but it’s kind of cool.

UPDATE: This epic bit of trolling got the reaction I was expecting. I’ve been called “sad” repeatedly for taking the time (which wasn’t a lot of time in the first place). YouTube actually thinks I care. 1-0 to me.

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You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet

So I was on the way back from grabbing a fajita at Old Orleans for lunch, in the car having a conversation with my mental friend. We’ll call him Butch.

Now, when I say Butch is mental, I don’t mean in the way dizzy blonde birds go “my mate’s ment’l she is. We ‘ave a roight laff.” Butch is actually certified crazy. And has an unhealthy attraction to animals. An example would be when we were on this journey and he stopped on a busy national speed limit road to let a man cross. He said he stopped “only because he had a dog.” Sometimes I worry what he does to his mum’s miniature poodle when they’re alone.

Anyway, Butch likes to partake in some casual racism, mainly for the lulz, but also because he knows it drives me up the wall. He was off on one as usual, mentioning the word “bomber” in place of “Asian” or “Muslim”, taking the ironic stance that we should “blow them up”.

Islam and terrorists (infographic)I drew his attention to an infographic I spotted on Twitter that I emailed to him earlier in the week.

Now all credit to Audio Kitty for posting this up, as I think even the reddest of Red Necks should be able to grasp the concept of it.

Butch’s response was: Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.

I thought this was brilliant, mainly because I do most of my writing on the Internet.

So in celebration of this, here’s a series of statements that you shouldn’t believe because they’ve been written “on the Internet”…

  • Butch does not rape babies in his spare time
  • I do not have seventeen Eastern European sex workers buried under my patio
  • I have never wanked off a ginger midget in exchange for World of Warcraft gold
  • In no way was I caught mashing it in a bush with my night vision goggles on outside the vicar’s house

I’d love you to participate in the comments below if you’re bored. Give me some more statements that are not to be believed.

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iTunes Ping: Shit really isn’t it

So after another drawn out, masturbatory announcement from Apple via Reverend Steve Jobs, we get a shitload of new iPods, some bollocks about photos, and iTunes Ping. All delivered over the gashest webstream I’ve ever viewed (that’s not comprised of filth).

iTunes already pisses me off to no end, not only due to the fact that it’s bloaty and virus-like, but because it also forces me to start sentences with lowercase letters. Now included in the iBundle-o-hate is Ping.

Brother Jobs announced Ping as a social network for music. I like to think of it more as a cuntial cuntwork for cunts. This device is an ingenious way for Apple to sell a Kerry Katona freezerful of music to mugs. Being the pent up hate machine that I am, I hope it falls flat on it’s face. It won’t though. And it bothers me slightly.

To rebel, I set up my Music U Like to purvey my feelings.

Magic.

iTunes Ping and how I feel - Cunt Flaps

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